he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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