Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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