awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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