1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
