I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
