Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
