Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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