I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
