One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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