yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
