Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
