Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
