walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
