So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's blow job season.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
