My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
