I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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