Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
