I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
