I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize