So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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