i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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