shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
