my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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