1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
