she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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