My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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