I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Randomize
