I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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