If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
