I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
