so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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