Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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