pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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