Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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