I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The air taste purple.
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