how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize