Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
