Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
