i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
