Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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