Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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