flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
