**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
