After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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