just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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