I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
