I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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