Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
