My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
