Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
