I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
