Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
