Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
cat food counts as protein by the way
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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