i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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