She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
