All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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