i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
