Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
